it all has to be good for something.

“it all has to be good for something”, lucija said after i fucked up the bát nước mắm during spring roll lunch.

but bitter as denial goes, statistically speaking, things are still quite swell. yes the table could smell a bit funky but look at all the food we get to eat!!! eat!!! no crumbs leftover whatsoever!!! life is great! toasts! to a happy life on earth. drink up the nước mắm, salt makes you smarter, so that you could make better choices next year, and deter the half-assification you’re so inclined on rendering your life. like, read a book or something, a smart book for smart people on how to not spill nước mắm in front of your colleagues.

somewhere in the middle of 2024, i made a pact with myself after a series of spilled nước mắm, that i’d waltz the fuck out of life, taking no shit whatsoever, and succumb to my barren sentimentalities just to piss off some god above. and i did, so much, too much and still not enough. i had the chance to encounter so many good hearts. some nights i fail to fall asleep because my brain had to process all the good times we’ve got to spend. such precious time, time, time, gone, lost, lived only through remembrance, regret, reconstitution. because realization means to real-itize, reality was ever a post-lived experience only.

eventually, in between the fateful weekdays and insignificant holidays, the course of life finds its way into the trajectory of phở cuốn universe. nước mắm ebbs and flow. one day it’s red boat, other times nam ngư, but then there’s always that one nameless brand that you would search as if scouring for four leaf clover whenever visiting a friend’s kitchen. you would release a sigh knowing it’s not there. because if it’s there, it means the sacred temple of your existence had collapsed, the fetus severed from its nourishment. disillusionned, the spilled nước mắm drips down my soil beneath. the sky beams back azure haze at me. i am a growing tree in spring. it's 12:56 pm on a fine friday, 28 march 2025. office resumes in 4 minutes. everything glows in vivacious magnificence, for now.

shame i forgot to leave a small gift for lucija before she left.